Keys.

Every time I hit a wall I always remember something that my guru said to me.  People seem to find themselves in cages but what they don't realize is that they were the ones holding the keys the entire time.  You don't have to settle for what's in front of you and be upset and angry and think that there's no way out.  There is.  You just have to decide that you're going to make this change.

Sometimes the absurdities we put ourselves through allow us to forget why we did them in the first place.  We forget how sometimes there are happy moments and as soon as they're gone we remember why we were sad and hold on tighter to that.  It makes me wonder, why do we always hold on to what makes us unhappy?  Why should so much energy be expended into maintaining a stasis which serves no greater purpose other than to offer unfortunate health problems and a fouler than thou mood?

Working three jobs puts a few things into perspective for me.  Number one, it leaves very little time for self care, much less time spent with lovers and friends.  Number two, all I think about is work.  I worry about whether or not I'm accepted, whether or not I'm doing a good job, rearranging the order of events I normally perform in my head so as to be more efficient and somehow earn more kudo points.  If people notice.  I mainly always wonder if I'm noticed.  Some rubbish childhood trigger of always being made invisible or some such thing.  Who knows. :P

I've allowed myself to settle into this commitment to a relationship I haven't even given myself the time to properly explore.  And I don't mind breaking my back (sometimes literally) to make sure I'm helping move the day along that much more smoothly.  I love the people I talk to, I'm actually really liking my bosses and co-workers (most of them, anyway), and the road continues to get brighter as things go on, hiccups or no.

But all I think about...is work.  Money.  Savings.  Or lack, thereof.  I thought this time out of school was to be spent working and having fun.  Not working and being exhausted all the time.  I hold the key to my fun.

Didn't I say I was going to draw more?  Work on music more?  Dance more?  Laugh more?  Didn't I say that I was going to give myself a chance to breathe and be and exist and celebrate?

Well, didn't I?

I think I did.  I'm going to unlock myself now.  I'll see you when I get back.