Some days you just wish that your brain wasn't runnin so hot that it couldn't cool off enough for standby and a decent night's worth of sleep.
There are good and bad things happening. Or good, bad, and weird. I should really watch that Korean movie.
Anyway, so I'm pretty sure I"ll be taking on a nannying gig where I get to work with 6 kids. Yep, you heard me. I'm gonna be acting as another set of hands for parents whose hearts are so big that it could smother this whole city in sappy, sappy love.
It feels really good. But it feels so good that I'm scared of it, and because I'm scared of it I kind of wanna just fade away. I want to fade away from landing a new job, I want to fade away from the stupid promise rainbow finally showing its dirty face in my cloudy skies, I want to just fucking disappear because it's not so much the ridiculous drama that has gone down that's buggin' me but it's the fucking. Stupid. Good stuff.
Which makes me feel weird because when good things happen part of me just wants to push it away and say "I don't want it." No good rhyme or reason I just want to shut myself away and pretend it never happened. I'm not sure why I'm so hell bent on making sure I keep myself from finding out what my talents are when I'm always badgering the universe for some kind of answer because I'm tired of feeling like all I do is try and nothing comes out of it. That all I want to do is just mind my own business, work, come home and call it a day.
But I can never just call it a day because if I do that then I outright admitted that I just want to roll over and die. If I didn't go out and look for a job, that was 20 opportunities I missed with a potential 2 out of the lot of them who'd call me back. I drag my feet on final projects and I've lost another day to somehow earn myself a good grade in this damn class. Another day goes by without me makin a dime and that's one step closer to not having anything in my pockets and feeling even worse because I'm not working and when I'm not working I don't feel like I'm contributing and when I'm not contributing and sitting there while other people get to build their lives or work on through and I get to just watch them...nothing makes me angrier, than that.
I don't watch, I do. Not sure what I'm built for but it sure as hell ain't sittin on my ass letting a day pass me by that I'm not grabbing by the shirt collar and shakin till all the teeth fall out. And this is where I feel so conflicted inside. I am wanting, and yearning, and needing, and searching for a hold to wrap my fingers around or a ledge to step on and push myself up from. And when I make it to the top I want to jump right back off that cliff and live in the contentment of free falling till I hit rocks and break ribs and thump my body all the way to the bottom. And I'll want to lie face down in the dirt crying and bleeding and just letting my body fail on me.
But then I want to live. And then I don't. But then I do. And then I'm just not sure.
I want to feel good about all the forward motion going on and I want to bask in the rays and feel confident again. I question myself too much because there is always a rug being pulled out from under me and I wonder if I'm simply just not good enough to do the work. Part of me has faith that I can do it but most of me is still smarting from all the times I miss with a swing and get knocked with a hook. Or a knee to the gut.
But I'm not the only one having a little bit of a difficult time of things. I'm not the only one fighting tooth and nail to stay in (and finish) school, I'm not the only one who was looking for work, I am not the only one to feel like a failure when I can't keep a job, I'm not the only one to feel like my ego was bashed in because now living on my own is taking its toll and I'm not sure what cards I have left up my sleeve to give me a boost. I'm not the only one who feels frustrated that I can't just have a nice clean smooth streak in my life. Good job, A's in school, drinks with friends, perfect love life, a fancy wardrobe might not hurt any...
But to lead such a charmed life would take away any character I'd built up over the years proving that I'm not a putz and have a good head on my shoulders. I'm capable, I know it, and I know I can be good at it. Whatever "it" is. I'm smart and I know it even if I challenge that notion with my roommates everyday with how often I forget things and just plain don't pay attention.
Good. I finally ran out of steam. Good night.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Hello....November. *glare*
No longer funemployed! Huzzah!
I'm working seasonal at See's Candy, and will be bouncing back and forth between Pioneer Place and the Lloyd location. They're letting me shadow folks early because all the paperwork's been done. Yay! And another good thing is that since I've been hired by them, I have a consistent part time job until..well, until I have a job that doesn't require me to need See's anymore. Which may or may not happen, we'll see. :) It's strictly seasonal, as far as I can tell, so here's to hoping that someone loves me enough to get the ball rolling. Time to memorize 100+ different candies and then sample/sell them to you! Ha.
Currently waiting on a potential Prep Cook position with this daycare learning center, and it basically gives me total autonomy over the kitchen to set the menu, do the ordering from CSAs and local produce folks so that I can feed little ones family style. It's a pretty big to do, and for some reason I can't stop talking about it. Maybe because of the good pay and that after 90 days I get a potential raise and benefits kick in. Could I have this job? Please?
On another plus side if I DON'T get this job then I have the chance to be a nanny for the boss of the learning center's kids. Either way it's a win win situation. But the benefits would be nice. I've also got two other nanny families that may work out, and therefore...the lineup of work that's coming my way is a little shocking and kind of humbling. Or really humbling. Never thought I could have such a solid string of interviews, what with how the Oregon unemployment rate is going.
I'm moving too, in case you didn't know. But only 20 blocks away from where I'm living now. Which is pretty neat, and the duplex unit me and the boys are moving into is pretty fantastic. Three levels, our own private basement....*happy sigh* it's enough to warm the cockles of my tiny, tiny heart. ;) One bathroom, a shallow sink (seriously, Portland, can you NOT have a fucking shallow sink in any of your rental units?!?) again, and the paint job is pretty cute, too. Feels like I'm living inside a mint green easter egg. It's the love that counts.
My art has become non-existent, much as I want it to not be so. And I'm not going to count the schoolwork and final projects that I've neglected for the past several weeks. Really pulling my weight here. :P
Friends are coming and going in this town, and tonight's a going away party for the lovely Brittany. I'm sure she'll be back soon, but for now she'll spend her winter in Puerto Rico working for her aunt's restaurant and staying away from the icky cold. I'm both jealous and yet at the same time content with where I'm at right now.
I should start making some goals pretty soon. The usuals of course pertain to exercise, boosting my artwork, annnnd.....something something something. With all the videogames that are played in the house I'll probably try to stick to one and finish it. There are quite a few unfinished files in several games. And it comes from just getting distracted, needing to take a break and forgetting to come back to it...and so on.
Currently what's on the brain is getting enough money to cover the move in fees, pay off some school debts, find a consistent job, moving, annnd....well, you get the idea. It's taking up a lot of my head space. Not much time for funsies. Catch you on the flip side.
I'm working seasonal at See's Candy, and will be bouncing back and forth between Pioneer Place and the Lloyd location. They're letting me shadow folks early because all the paperwork's been done. Yay! And another good thing is that since I've been hired by them, I have a consistent part time job until..well, until I have a job that doesn't require me to need See's anymore. Which may or may not happen, we'll see. :) It's strictly seasonal, as far as I can tell, so here's to hoping that someone loves me enough to get the ball rolling. Time to memorize 100+ different candies and then sample/sell them to you! Ha.
Currently waiting on a potential Prep Cook position with this daycare learning center, and it basically gives me total autonomy over the kitchen to set the menu, do the ordering from CSAs and local produce folks so that I can feed little ones family style. It's a pretty big to do, and for some reason I can't stop talking about it. Maybe because of the good pay and that after 90 days I get a potential raise and benefits kick in. Could I have this job? Please?
On another plus side if I DON'T get this job then I have the chance to be a nanny for the boss of the learning center's kids. Either way it's a win win situation. But the benefits would be nice. I've also got two other nanny families that may work out, and therefore...the lineup of work that's coming my way is a little shocking and kind of humbling. Or really humbling. Never thought I could have such a solid string of interviews, what with how the Oregon unemployment rate is going.
I'm moving too, in case you didn't know. But only 20 blocks away from where I'm living now. Which is pretty neat, and the duplex unit me and the boys are moving into is pretty fantastic. Three levels, our own private basement....*happy sigh* it's enough to warm the cockles of my tiny, tiny heart. ;) One bathroom, a shallow sink (seriously, Portland, can you NOT have a fucking shallow sink in any of your rental units?!?) again, and the paint job is pretty cute, too. Feels like I'm living inside a mint green easter egg. It's the love that counts.
My art has become non-existent, much as I want it to not be so. And I'm not going to count the schoolwork and final projects that I've neglected for the past several weeks. Really pulling my weight here. :P
Friends are coming and going in this town, and tonight's a going away party for the lovely Brittany. I'm sure she'll be back soon, but for now she'll spend her winter in Puerto Rico working for her aunt's restaurant and staying away from the icky cold. I'm both jealous and yet at the same time content with where I'm at right now.
I should start making some goals pretty soon. The usuals of course pertain to exercise, boosting my artwork, annnnd.....something something something. With all the videogames that are played in the house I'll probably try to stick to one and finish it. There are quite a few unfinished files in several games. And it comes from just getting distracted, needing to take a break and forgetting to come back to it...and so on.
Currently what's on the brain is getting enough money to cover the move in fees, pay off some school debts, find a consistent job, moving, annnd....well, you get the idea. It's taking up a lot of my head space. Not much time for funsies. Catch you on the flip side.
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