Hi. Come here often?

Save your dirty double entendres.  ;)

So.  Recently funemployed.  Interview in 14 hours with Williams and Sonoma.  A large corporate company.  Most folks (i.e. 95% of the youth in this lovely political hotbed gay lovin' fag-tastic small town of a city) would balk at working for anything corporate.  But I'm sick of small time businesses.  Or rather, sick of working for people who go power hungry out of no where.  Like a random brain cable snapped and all of a sudden they're all out for blood and you're fucked no matter which way you look at it.

I'm also sick of being lied to.  Tired of hearing bosses tell me one thing and then go do something else entirely different.  And bosses, if you're too stupid to figure out that most of your employees are more often than not snarky internet savvy geekzoids then you are really shooting yourselves in the foot thinking we won't find out how you decided to screw us over.  I'm tired of short job runs, tired of freaking out about money, tired of fighting to stand up, tired of holding myself in so tight that I subconsciously set myself up for panic attacks if I have just enough alcohol in me to lower ALL my defenses, tired of being scared of losing my job because all I do is let myself settle for the shitty ones....I'm sick of it.  God damn fucking sick of it.

And then I'm fighting the battles of watching my friends graduate before me, find things that launch them forward financially, finding things that have shaped their lives so that they are serving their passions at MY age...and I'm still in school under the guise that I'll have accomplished something extraordinary with my fancy piece of paper in 2 - 3 years.  I'm fighting myself over and over and over, and it seems like all I'm doing is telling myself that this is the thing that will make it better, this is where I'll finally stop feeling like I'm incapable, that THIS, all of this, will add up and be worth ten times more than I ever amounted to in grade school, high school, and Lord help me the first several years of college.

Where I just didn't know what was going to happen.

But on the flip side to all of that...there are positives to my seemingly mundane and generally ordinary life up to now.  A lot of the time as a kid I felt like I had to be my own rock because I wasn't good at making friends, but I was good at making up stories in my head, on paper, and being a good family member.  High school is a fuzzy memory but what I remember was first discovering I was gay.

And then I came out.  Not once, not twice, but three times.

First as  bi, then lesbian, and then queer.  I met Noah and experienced for the first time my relationship with a transgendered man from start to...now.  It is an ever blossoming and burgeoning process and not only with re-assessing my personal identity but learning new things about him every day.  And I couldn't be more lucky to have such a beautiful man in my life.

I have never butted heads with my family so hard before in my life to keep him near me because while he may not have been family per se to them, he is family to me.  And if you're family, you aren't going anywhere.  Period.  But through standing up for my beliefs and never once thinking that stopping was an option, has earned me respect from family members I would have never expected to earn it from.  It's not something that's given away so easily.

Jobs were in flux for almost 2 years, but I survived each crisis and had an amazing group of friends and family to cheer me on the whole way through.  I'm becoming more and more grateful for my mother the older I get, and there isn't a day where I'm not reveling in awe over our ridiculous relationship and her endless, endless love and support.  Seriously, there is no bottom.  I can't find it.  Not that I should have been looking, but you get the idea.

This is a cycle I visit often inside my mind.  The anger, upset and freak out over what I believe to be lacking, am failing at, or not good enough for.  But after I've let my mind run through all the negatives, it cycles back around to the positives, and realizing that I've personally come a long way as a person.  If I wasn't challenged as much as I have been, I probably wouldn't be the person I am now.  

So...just cycling.  Like you do.  When it feels like the world's about to cave in on my head.  And then I get to go to bed and lie next to the best human in my life.  And wake up to feel like I can conquer the day.  You can't get places without a few scrapes and bruises now and again.  Because then you don't get to flex your cool scars to the cute girl at the end of the bar.  And cool points are everything.