cyclical thoughts again.

Some days you just wish that your brain wasn't runnin so hot that it couldn't cool off enough for standby and a decent night's worth of sleep.

There are good and bad things happening.  Or good, bad, and weird.  I should really watch that Korean movie.

Anyway, so I'm pretty sure I"ll be taking on a nannying gig where I get to work with 6 kids.  Yep, you heard me.  I'm gonna be acting as another set of hands for parents whose hearts are so big that it could smother this whole city in sappy, sappy love.

It feels really good.  But it feels so good that I'm scared of it, and because I'm scared of it I kind of wanna just fade away.  I want to fade away from landing a new job, I want to fade away from the stupid promise rainbow finally showing its dirty face in my cloudy skies, I want to just fucking disappear because it's not so much the ridiculous drama that has gone down that's buggin' me but it's the fucking.  Stupid.  Good stuff.

Which makes me feel weird because when good things happen part of me just wants to push it away and say "I don't want it." No good rhyme or reason I just want to shut myself away and pretend it never happened.  I'm not sure why I'm so hell bent on making sure I keep myself from finding out what my talents are when I'm always badgering the universe for some kind of answer because I'm tired of feeling like all I do is try and nothing comes out of it.  That all I want to do is just mind my own business, work, come home and call it a day.

But I can never just call it a day because if I do that then I outright admitted that I just want to roll over and die.  If I didn't go out and look for a job, that was 20 opportunities I missed with a potential 2 out of the lot of them who'd call me back.  I drag my feet on final projects and I've lost another day to somehow earn myself a good grade in this damn class.  Another day goes by without me makin a dime and that's one step closer to not having anything in my pockets and feeling even worse because I'm not working and when I'm not working I don't feel like I'm contributing and when I'm not contributing and sitting there while other people get to build their lives or work on through and I get to just watch them...nothing makes me angrier, than that.

I don't watch, I do.  Not sure what I'm built for but it sure as hell ain't sittin on my ass letting a day pass me by that I'm not grabbing by the shirt collar and shakin till all the teeth fall out.  And this is where I feel so conflicted inside.  I am wanting, and yearning, and needing, and searching for a hold to wrap my fingers around or a ledge to step on and push myself up from.  And when I make it to the top I want to jump right back off that cliff and live in the contentment of free falling till I hit rocks and break ribs and thump my body all the way to the bottom.  And I'll want to lie face down in the dirt crying and bleeding and just letting my body fail on me.

But then I want to live.  And then I don't.  But then I do.  And then I'm just not sure.

I want to feel good about all the forward motion going on and I want to bask in the rays and feel confident again.  I question myself too much because there is always a rug being pulled out from under me and I wonder if I'm simply just not good enough to do the work.  Part of me has faith that I can do it but most of me is still smarting from all the times I miss with a swing and get knocked with a hook.  Or a knee to the gut.

But I'm not the only one having a little bit of a difficult time of things.  I'm not the only  one fighting tooth and nail to stay in (and finish) school, I'm not the only one who was looking for work, I am not the only one to feel like a failure when I can't keep a job, I'm not the only one to feel like my ego was bashed in because now living on my own is taking its toll and I'm not sure what cards I have left up my sleeve to give me a boost.  I'm not the only one who feels frustrated that I can't just have a nice clean smooth streak in my life.  Good job, A's in school, drinks with friends, perfect love life, a fancy wardrobe might not hurt any...

But to lead such a charmed life would take away any character I'd built up over the years proving that I'm not a putz and have a good head on my shoulders.  I'm capable, I know it, and I know I can be good at it.  Whatever "it" is.  I'm smart and I know it even if I challenge that notion with my roommates everyday with how often I forget things and just plain don't pay attention.

Good.  I finally ran out of steam.  Good night.